SIMPLY JUST ME...

the river piedra

2010-12-10T01:23:00.001+10:00

By the River Piedra, I sat down and wept. There is a legend that everything that falls into the water of this river - leaves, insects, the feathers of birds - is transformed into the rocks that make the riverbed. If only I could tear out my heart and hurl it into the current, then my pain and longing would be over, and I could finally forget.

Perhaps love makes us old before our time - or young, if youth has passed. But how can I not recall those moments?

That is why I write -- to try to turn sadness into longing, solitude into remembrance.

So that when I finish telling myself the story, I can toss it into the Piedra. Only then - in the words of one of the saints - will the water extinguish what the flames have written."

-words from a book by Paulo Coelho,

my favorite author

Now, my story...

There I was.
Lamenting in my own River Piedra

Mourning for the transformation

of love into loss,

of hope into aridity,

of magic into illusion,

and of tears into stone.

"All love stories are the same."

I, too, have written my tale.
I, too, have let my tears run me dry.

Let the poignant remnants of reminiscences be carried away by the current.
Let the water cleanse me of the hurt, pain and regret.

For by the River Piedra,

Solitude is my salvation.

Truth is my comfort.

Tranquility is my peace...

By the River Piedra, I sat down and wept.

2009-01-17T23:28:00.000+10:00

Heavy with ambition, lofty dreams, and the pounds I packed for the past 15 years, I fumbled through my first year of being a doctor. The routines of being a student have been stripped of my system, in the sense that I have ceased to enjoy the privilege and security of waking up in the morning knowing exactly where I will be for that day and the next. I am not denying though, that the profession I have chosen automatically guarantees a permanent status of “student.” I am sure that doctors all over the world will agree that this is what in fact Medicine is – a life-long acquisition of knowledge. In other words, once a person becomes a doctor, he remains a student of Life for life. I remember an old mentor who morbidly told us during brain-cutting that a doctor who stops studying is as good as dead. I must be sounding like someone condemned. Once I passed the licensure examination, there came the uncertainty. The next stage and the next step to my career as a health professional lay before me like a dark, barren crossroad without warning signs, stoplights, or even street lamps. What to do next would have been easy for others who are fortunate to have already known which direction to take even before reaching this same juncture. But for me and a few others who have varied interests, sensibilities, and priorities, it is more difficult. Compounding the situation is this dreadful factoid of my so-called life: I may have proven my worth in the class room setting but with regard to the intricacies of the real world, I feel naïve, inexperienced and, to tell you the truth, retarded. The world outside the sheltered walls of the class room is a realm to which constant practice is a necessity, if only to grasp at the edges of mastering how to live well.

Life is Awesome

2008-11-14T01:37:00.000+10:00

I once thought life was difficult. I once SAW life as difficult. Yet around me were people who always expressed so much joy and fun in life that simply left me startling. Then I realized the notion that life is difficult was passed onto me unconsciously by my parents who though meant well, left that impression in me that life is indeed difficult through their tough struggle to make ends meet.

So I re-defined my meaning of life, and I have always FOUND a reason to smile ever since.

You see, life happens. This happening is in itself neutral. Good, Bad, Wonderful, lol, Awesome, Awful, Disastrous, WOW, OMG, wtf, Sad, Angry, Cheerful, Kind etc are all interpretations that people make of it. So at the end of the day, it’s a matter of what perspective one chooses to settle with.

So all experiences in life can be all things, ranging from Awesome to Aweful. Sometimes, we are simply blind enough not to see the better interpretation of the happening, so we settle with the poor one. Wanna know what my days are like?

Like those of a kindergarden child, Full of energy and joy, even when there is no reason to support the same from the external. So when my best friend asked me how I was doing one morning, I told him, ” Awesome”. Then he asked. “What’s your definition of awesome”.

I answered, “Feeling good no matter what”.Period.

2008-11-13T23:58:00.000+10:00

Undergoing MyBlogLog Verification

CLOSING CYCLE (PAOLO COEHLO)

2008-11-06T02:36:00.001+10:00

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.
If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time,
we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it,
what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.
Has a loving relationship come to an end?
Did you leave your parents' house?
Gone to live abroad?
Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.
You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will befinishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us.
What has passed will not return:
we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.
That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs,
move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.
Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts
and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go.
Release them.
Detach yourself from them.
Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.
Do not expect anything in return,
do not expect your efforts to be appreciated,
your genius to be discovered,
your love to be understood.
Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again,
the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss:
that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off,
work that is promised but there is no starting date,
decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment.
Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished:
tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person.
Nothing is irreplaceable A habit is not a need.
This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult,
but it is very important.

Closing cycles.
Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.
Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.
Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

crossroad

2008-09-06T02:32:00.005+10:00

At this particular moment I found myself standing at the crossroad.....

Not sure about the next step, not sure who to seek guidance, not sure if anyone can really guide me, not sure if i just want to wait for a divine voice to enlighten my soul.

Sometime I just want to leave everything i am doing and head out to explore some unknown territories and these other times I wonder if i will be able to find something worthwhile ever.

May be now is the time to re-evaluate and replan my life....

i know, i have to take a plunge and make a decision for my life, whatever path I am gonna take, might just be totally unknown to me and it might plainly be scary to get out of my bubble of comfort.. But this is a risk , I am willing to take.

(Lord please take full control of my life, i know I'll never go astray because you're my guide...)

Thank you guys!!

2008-09-04T21:37:00.005+10:00

hello guys!!!

I need not say much, for I believe that what we had gone through during our PGIship speaks of that "BOND" we have as friends. PGIship will not be fun as this if we're not one in it!! thank you guys!

I will not forget those happy moments we have--Dinugsing time and tinawa time sa dorm, parties, and lagaw diri- lagaw didto after receiving our medicare share...hahaha...our cramming times when reporting is near, we may little fights and arguments but I believe it was all worth it. I have no regrets or whatsoever in sharing my life with you all...hehehehe...

Sige ah, I wish you well in all your endeavors and lets try harder in order to make it.

How time flies so fast!! Daw sang san-o lg ta nagstart PGIship and now we're finally entering the real world of medicine...this is another facet of life that we need to face...MOVING ON...and ON...and ON...for the better and for the best of course!!!

By HIS GRACE we have made it and for HIS greater GLORY let's do it...!

Check out my Slide Show!

2008-06-17T21:02:00.001+10:00

it is madness....

2008-06-05T20:53:00.000+10:00

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Swept Away

2008-03-28T21:19:00.003+10:00

FAITHFUL WAIT

2008-02-15T23:40:00.002+10:00

We are taught to seek, ceaselessly, until we find an answer.

But while we continually seek, we force our life into little boxes that it was not intended to fit- all because we need a solution to our questions.

At times, life and its relevant uncertainties are there for a reason. Maybe they are a holding place, and maybe they are meant to test the strength with which we trudge through life.

Regardless, timing is everything.

What I have learned today I did not have the ability to learn last week, or even last night- because life is a series of preceding events. It is a game of chase; a giant Lego’s display that needed the bottom pieces to reach further toward the sky. A game of Jenga.

If those that I have had the privilege of coming to love this past year had entered my life three months prior, we would not have been friends. Nor acquaintances.

Someone once told a person that life had to have answers and that plans were essential for proper functioning- I would venture to guess that that individual did not lead the life they were meant to live. Nor did they experience happiest in its truest form. Essentially, they failed to live.

The best moments in this world are obtained by releasing the reigns and trusting in a higher power to drive us to where we need to be.

Learning to let go does not mean neglecting life as it is and failing to pursue hopes and dreams- it means waiting faithfully.

Faithful wait.

"Paradox of Our Time"

2008-02-15T23:35:00.002+10:00

“The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but not better things.
We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.”

Prayer

2008-02-03T14:38:00.000+10:00

I Say a Prayer for you today,

That you might be a star one day,
That your wishes may be fulfilled
And that all your dreams may come true some day.

Some people don’t believe in prayers
Oh! its just a notion they say,
They don’t understand the power of it
But believe me, I am putting my soul into it.

I know that God’s busy nowadays,
Tending to every persons needs, night and day;
But I know one thing for sure my friend,
He’ll listen to the prayers I say.
“Why?” I hear you say.
Well ,coz Its for someone very special,and that’s you I say.

There may be times when you feel lonely ,
And you might have none around,
You might think alls deserted ,
But hey ,I ‘ll be still around.

I say a prayer for you today ,
That happiness engulfs you every day;
That you be granted the fruits of life and
That you live this beautiful life every day.

2008-01-22T22:10:00.000+10:00

Things I must learn to live:

2008-01-13T13:32:00.003+10:00

1. Rely on yourself & no one else. At least you only hav one person responsible to & answerable for.

2. Prioritize your family. You can nver replace them.

3. Be responsible. Learn to stand alone, (quite hard but i know i can do it).

4. Forget the past, you have the present to face..
5. Stand firm! They may hurt your feelings but never let them break you.

6. Never mind what others say about you. You know yourself more than they do.

7. Accept changes! There's no such thing in life that is constant, except change.

8. Dont torture yourself on things you have done. Move on and learn from it.

9. Always check your priorities in life.

10. Live life as if it's your last.

My 1st spinal anesthesia

2007-12-24T19:34:00.001+10:00

Just a product of being bored, so i decided to blog...
Dec. 18, 2007: my 1st lumbar puncture..twas a successful one..haha..more LPs to go!

2007-12-16T20:20:00.001+10:00

At last, im already done...well, i guess...im back to the "old" me...i mean, not on an autistic mode..hahaha! i thought it was impossible to finish my work on the date that i had set...why did i think it was impossible? Well, i never really like hematology in the first place. Unluckily, the topic that i'll be reporting was about AML, haha...it was really a hema thing. At first, doing that thing was really a punishment for me. Anyways, as what everyone had said, everything happened for a purpose. It had made me more patient and determined. One thing had just entered my mind, "if others can do it, why cant I?" Defy the Impossible!

2007-11-20T22:03:00.001+10:00

There's no such thing as constant except for change...
But it so sad sometimes that these changes that are happening to our lives are the one that causes pain..sometimes we can easily cope, but there are also times that we wished thing havent change..coz those things that were already part of our life, had somewhat made us whole...and it's hard to let it go..
Life is like that, things just come and go, they touch our lives, leave marks on our hearts, make us realize our worth, and make us feel complete..

What keeps me going?

2007-11-03T12:54:00.001+10:00

Feelin' so bored and depressed these past few days...i dont know if it's hormonal imbalance or it's PMS.. I've been searching for the answer to my question..what keeps me going? Im 100% sure of my choice and that's to become an MD..no question with that..
But lately, im beginning to ask myself..what keeps me going? What if this is not the kind of life that i wanted?
....what really keeps me going? For now its my family, my dream, and maybe because im in a point of no return..

just make the right choice!!

2007-10-18T22:09:00.000+10:00

Its a human nature that we always follow what makes us feel GOOD. What we dont realize is that some things that pleases us can hurt other people. So though it is painful, I would rather follow and choose what is humane. I would rather be RIGHT. Because as long as I go after what is right, I know that I am not compromising other people.

The First Cut Is the Deepest

2007-09-05T02:20:00.000+10:00

Holding On or Letting Go?

2007-08-26T01:57:00.000+10:00

To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

“Love is holding on, fighting for what you feel but sometimes love is letting go, setting free knowing he will be happy if you do”

The hardest part with letting go though is you just wake up one day and realize that all your efforts and everything you have valued through your relationship had been vanish in just a blink of an eye and it’s just too painful to endure. It's too late already and I think letting go also entails a lot of "what ifs".

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring; it means I can’t do it for someone else.

2007-08-25T22:16:00.000+10:00

I am the one
Who believes in all that you say
I am the one
Who never wants to define herself
I am the one
Who's parallel, upfront, behind
I am the one
Paddling like crazy through the night

Refine, old time, colourblind
Big sign, do time, doesn't rhyme
A lot, to much, standing tall
And I'm crying in the valley:
â€œI shall never, ever fall!â€ and

People are people
And I feel so strong
People are people and I'm
Going on

I am the one
Who stirs it up everytime
I am the one
Who never know how close she is
I am the one
Who'd rather be dead than confess
I am the one
Trying to be good, wanting to be bad and so on

Excess, temptress, big mess
Phoney, lonely, it's a test
Be still my heart, don't you fail
And I'm crying on the stagefloor:
â€œI will always prevail!â€ and

I'm going onâ€¦

TIme Will Tell

2007-08-20T00:09:00.000+10:00

Once upon a time there was an island where all the feelings lived; happiness, sadness, knowledge, and all the others, including love.

One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So all the feelings prepared their boats to leave.

Love was the only one that stayed. She wanted to preserve the island paradise until the last possible moment.

When the island was almost totally under, Love decided it was time to leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help.

Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat. Love asked, “Richness, Can I come with you on your boat?”

Richness answered, ” I’m sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you anywhere.”

Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a beautiful vessel.
Love cried out, “Vanity, help me please.”

“I can’t help you”, Vanity said, “You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat.”
Next, Love saw Sadness passing by.

Love said, “Sadness, please let me go with you.”
Sadness answered, “Love, I’m sorry, but, I just need to be alone now.”
Then, Love saw Happiness.

Love cried out, ” Happiness, please take me with you.”
But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn’t hear Love calling to him. Love began to cry.

Then, she heard a voice say, “Come Love, I will take you with me.” It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name.

When they arrived on land the elder went on his way. Love realized how much she owed the elder.

Love then found Knowledge and asked, “Who was it that helped me?”

“It was Time”, Knowledge answered.

“But why did Time help me when no one else would?”, Love asked.

Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered,
“Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is.”

2007-08-19T23:41:00.000+10:00

To me, life is a journey filled with lessons, hardships, heartaches, joys, celebrations and special moments that will ultimately lead me to my destination, my purpose in life.

The road will not always be smooth, in fact, throughout my travels, I will encounter many challenges.

Some of these challenges will test my courage, strengths, weaknesses, and faith. Along the way, I may stumble upon obstacles that will come between the paths that I’m destined to take.

In order to follow the right path, I must overcome these obstacles. Sometimes these obstacles are really blessings in disguise, only I don’t realize that at the time.

Along my journey I will be confronted with many situations, some will be filled with joy, and some will be filled with heartache.

How I react to what I faced with determines what kind of outcome the rest of my journey through life will be like.

When things don’t always go my way, I have two choices in dealing with the situations.

I can focus on the fact that things didn’t go how I had hoped they would and let life pass me with, or two, I can make the best out of the situation and know that these are only temporary setbacks and find the lessons that are to be learned.

2007-08-10T22:29:00.000+10:00

You're single because you don't want to compromise

Why Are You Still Single?

Brought to you by Tickle

You live alone and like it, thanksverymuch. Well, at least some of the time. You prefer coming and going as you please, and you don't like to be controlled or held responsible for someone else's schedule or needs. After all, you probably have plenty of friends, a satisfying career (or other projects to occupy your time), and you may simply not have room for another person right now — unless of course they can bend to meet your routine exactly. Does this sound familiar?

While we admire your go-it-alone attitude — and your carefree, open-minded spirit — you may be shutting out others from your life without realizing it. You never know, maybe if you met the right person you could learn to grow together — while holding onto your hard-earned independence.

2007-08-07T22:30:00.001+10:00

i just miss my old life...no pressures, waking up late...no reports...no endorsements...no 24-hours duties....hahahaha...

hey! dont get me wrong! i just miss it and i know it's just normal...for now, i cant imagine living my day without going to the hospital, talking to different people, having a 24-hour duty toxicity...hahaha...and a lot more!

there was a time that i wanted to rest, even just for a day or two....(yah, this was the time when a lot of us were thinking of filing a leave)...others may have their own reason of having a leave, mine was more on refreshing my mind...

but at the end of the day, i told myself...this will just pass!

CRY

2007-07-30T00:15:00.000+10:00

if you think crying can help, then cry..

if it can lessen the pain inside your heart, feel free to do it...

if you cant bear the pain inside, just cry!

* sometimes we cry without any reason, but as tears fall down we feel relieved!

NO QUITTING!!!

2007-07-22T22:56:00.000+10:00

B-A-T-C-H-O-Y

2007-06-20T22:56:00.001+10:00

Batchoy, a noodle soup which originated in the district of La Paz, Iloilo City in the Philippines....but for me, batchoy is the official food of BCSG, our psychotherapy group! hahaha... i dont know why i'm putting this on my blog...hahaha.....maybe because i dont eat batchoy before...if there's one person responsible for letting me eat this food, it was my adoptive mom...PEACE ma!...i have no choice but to it that batchoy i have eaten batchoy for 6x pa lg....call me weird! but i only eat the noodles and the meat...well, for the reason that i don't understand the taste of the soup...haha...

2007-06-18T15:09:00.000+10:00

For all things you've lead me through and taught me

And for promising me that you will never leave me

Through and through you've shown me the ropes

Helping me in anything and everything I face

Everyday you're there for me by simply calling your name

Rarely do I get to thank you enough.

So on this special day, I do exactly that.
Thank you for being my father!

assessment

2007-06-10T23:38:00.000+10:00

....if my memory serves me well, im already on my 2nd month on being a PGI already...whew! how time fleet so fast.... as i am observing the JIs now, i cant help myself but to turn back to the time when i was also a junior intern. yah right! ive been there too! doing paperworks everyday, answering questions to consultants/ residents (lucky if i can), whoops! not to forget, crying in the corridor and asking myself why i have entered this arena? but all those things did a great help to me...

so how's life being a PGI now? i admit, things are lighter now, 'coz no pressure on doing paperworks, hey! dont get me wrong....i have learned so much in doing hx taking, monitoring, and other things, i havent learned in the four corners of our room...

so, what's the greater responsibility we've been talking before? well, i think its imparting to the JIs what we have also learned from our consultants, residents, previous PGIs, and other hospital's staff the things that they too had taught us...imagine! it was just a year ago..

another responsibility i've been referring to is managing patients...being a PGI is not just seeing patients at the emergency room or at the out patient department and referring it to the residents...i thinks it more than that...by this time, your initial assessment and management to the patient is important...every meds, labs, and other diagnostic tools you've been requiring to every patients serves a purpose...your clinical eye is being tested..in what sense? well as the patient is entering the room, your mind tells you is this an emegency case or not? thus this patient needs to be admitted or not...well, so many things are juggling on your mind..
well, for now, all i can say i'm just enjoying every bit of my rotation and its worth enjoying!

STAR

2007-06-04T02:49:00.000+10:00

I HAVE FOUND A HARD TIME RECALLING THE TITLE OF THIS SONG...
I DONT KNOW, BUT THIS SONG REALLY APPLIES TO MY LIFE..THIS WAS INTRODUCED TO ME BY MY HS TEACHER WHEN I WAS 1ST YR HS...

GO THE DISTANCE

2007-06-04T01:40:00.000+10:00

I have often dreamed
Of a far off place
Where a hero's welcome
Would be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer
When they see my face
And a voice keeps saying
This is where I'm meant to be

I'll be there someday
I can go the distance
I will find my way
If I can be strong
I know ev'ry mile
Will be worth my while
When I go the distance
I'll be right where I belong

Down an unknown road
To embrace my fate
Though the road may wander
It will lead me to you
And a thousand years
Would be worth the wait
It may take a lifetime
But somehow I'll see it through

And I won't look back
I can go the distance
And I'll stay on track
No I won't accept defeat
It's an uphill slope
But I won't lose hope
Till I go the distance
And my journey is complete

But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part
For a hero's strength is measured by his heart

Like a shooting star
I can go the distance
I will search the world
I will face its harms
I don't care how far
I can go the distance
TillI find my hero's welcome
Waiting in your arms...

I will search the world
I will face its harms
TillI find my hero's welcome
Waiting in your arms...

In His Strong Arms

2007-05-20T13:30:00.000+10:00

He's been calling me, but i never answered to His call...He was stretching His arms, but never did I hold on to it...! One question that have been playing in my mind before was, "why He just let it happened? Oh! poor little faith of mine! After my long quest on searching for the answers to my question, finally i found it...He was molding me! I admit, there has been a point of my life when i had loose grip on my faith...i always ask Him, why let these things happened to me in just a spur of a moment...all i can feel at that time was things are really out of my control! Just a week after my graduation, a resident gave me a book, it was a nice book...(I suggest you'll read it too!). She told me it was something to keep me ready for my internship, at first i thought it was the new edition of medical blue book!!! hahaha! but it wasn't... I never thought it would be of great help in my quest! Remember the poem Footprints in the sand? Of course! I do! I have read it for so many, many times in life, but I didn't appreciate it before...
Now I understand why He let it happened. He was molding me...He was calling my attention...He was showing to me how strong is His arms and how safe I am in His arms! Just as the father would pick up his own child and carry him over the rough ground, God carried me when the going gets tough. I'm finally at ease now! I'm finally home! I'm finally back to His strong arms!

(P.S. Thanks for giving me that book...it was really an inspiring one! more than just a guidelines as what you have told me before...)

it's my first day!!

2007-05-18T22:35:00.000+10:00

i hate it when my period comes! why? first and foremost this dysmenorrhea thing really ruins my day! i can't do the things i wanted to do...instead of doing some things, here i am if not lying in bed for the rest of the day, i'm just sitting in one corner...times like this? it's nice to set myself on autistic mode...aside from dysmenorrhea, i have a slight change of my mood...blame it on hormones! though i'm trying to control it, but sometimes i cant...haha! sometimes trying to hold my temper! sorry to those who have been affected with my mood swings!
on the other hand, having a period and on my autistic mode, made me sometimes ponder about myself...kinda weird...but it's true! i dont know but it really happens all the time...see? it really pays to be an autistic!

2007-05-14T10:47:00.000+10:00

it's a free day today...i'm on a weekend off! just a day of rest then back to duty mode tomorrow...what's seemed so different today? well, i'm free to sleep anytime i want...hahaha... anyway, i'm just surprise what happened this AM, someone called me (mr. past), i'm not already used talking with him, though we seldom communicate... what really surprises me was he'll just call on this early morning, just to ask me if i can join him in his daily "routine"...jogging! hahaha...weird ka gd ya! i know we've been doing that, but it was so looooooooong ago...hello, im not avoiding you, para ano? honestly, there's still about a percent left inside, but it doesnt matter now...well, wondering why i dont want to go with you for a jog? I'd rather have my long sleep, than jog for an hour on the track...it's not that i dont want to go with you, it's just that my feet were so "heavy", and another reason, im not doing that already G...maybe next time...hahaha...(kun ari ka pa d sa Philippines eh)....or you can invite someone else, if you like! haha

Who's your Best Friend?

2007-05-13T16:54:00.000+10:00

Who is your best friend?...How long does you friendship last?...Mostly we find best friends while enjoying happy childhood or surviving through agonies of adolescence…as there are much more chances for having pastime and experiences together…Who is the best, the most skilful at friend's finding?

Children…First of all child loves and accepts he himself completely and unconditionally and he loves the entire world at the same way…Children don't make any social or economic distinctions, they CAN enjoy life as it is… It's easy to find a friend – every person on the Earth can be your friend…"Let's be friends" – that is all…very easy…

Youth – awkward age…it's a base for our future. Youth is inclined to find a friend with shared interests or activities then the friendships gradually develop into mutual trust, openness, affection and loyalty. We like people who share our attitudes and values. When someone agrees with us or makes the same chooses we have made, we gain confidence in our own views. Here we need find friends to build our confidence. Well…it's good when the friendships are built on healthy principles…

Getting adult we enter complicated world and both we ourselves and all the surroundings are getting more and more difficult to deal with, to understand, because of involving a lot of different circumstances. There is a tend for finding companionship of those of the same economic status and level of education. If we're going to get the best out of people and build relationships usefully we need to have good communication skills. Why it is so important both for finding a friend and building a firm foundation for prospective friendships in future?

What are you doing while meeting your friends?...Talking!!!...And it's not just exchange by information…much more…exchange by emotions, feelings…share of a part of your lives…How to find the best friend whom we can talk to for hours?…

Friendship is a long conversation. Indeed, the ability to generate good talk is the most promising indication, during the uncertain early stages, that a possible friendship will take hold.

The first important technique is to master the art of good talk. This requires just two simple tools. The first is a listening ear. Some people are especially skilled at opening others up. They readily elicit intimacy because they listen well. Good listeners genuinely convey interest in understanding the other person, they accept the person's feelings without interruption, and they empathize by trying to see the world from that person’s point of view. These are the skills of good listener: sincerity, acceptance, and empathy. People are really charmed being aware that simply offering the standard issue question "So, what do you do?" followed by comments and questions can show real interest in their personally.

2007-05-10T23:35:00.000+10:00

2007-05-08T00:21:00.000+10:00

i just heard from my bestfriend that he'll be going to singapore...one question entered into my mind...is it for good? i think so (he'd been telling me that...so what?
i'm finally over with you, anyway...i guess!

well, what else can i say...i guess, God bless and see you in the next future....tsktsktsk!

FallIn!

2007-05-04T22:17:00.000+10:00

FALLIN'

I'm afraid to fly
And I don't know why
I'm jealous of the people who
Are not afraid to die

It's just that I recall
Back when I was small
Someone promised
that they'd catch me
And then they let me fall

And now I'm fallin'
Fallin' fast again
Why do I always take a fall
When I fall in love

You think by now I've learned
Play with fire you get burned
But fire can be also warm
And that's why I return

Turn and walk away
That's what I should do
My head says go and find the door
My heart says I'll find you

And now I'm fallin', fallin’ fast again
Why do I always take a fall when I fall in love

It always turns out the same

Loving someone, losing myself

Only got me to blame

Help me im fallin fallin

Catch me if you can
Maybe this time I'll have it all
Maybe I’ll take it after all

Maybe this time I won’t fall

When I fall in love...

WHAT'S WITH THIS SONG? I DON'T KNOW....FOR ALMOST A WEEK THIS SONG KEEPS ON PLAYING IN MY MIND...HAHAHA...

FREE FALL? HOPE NOT! I'VE BEEN AVOIDING THAT FOR SO LONG, COZ IT'S NOT RIGHT TO PLAY YOUR GAME...YOUR STUPID GAME!

JUST LEAVE ME AT PEACE! THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY!

2007-05-03T22:36:00.000+10:00

Quite a little bit different...it's my 1st week of being a PGI. if you'll going to ask me why? well first and foremost, we're no longer using our white uniforms instead we're already using white coat...well i'm going to miss it! Second, DR. was already attached to our names, though still unofficial coz we still have to take a licensure exam. Third, the sense of responsibility is greater compared to a Junior Intern...i dont know, maybe because you must be an example to them...
i was once a JI before, and i really looked to up to my PGI, aside that they're more senior to me, just a one year experience ahead of me , tells a lot of things....

so what can I say about my first week of being a PGI? CHALLENGING! ENJOYING! PRESSURED!

2007-04-28T02:06:00.000+10:00

well i'm just a little bit nervous...another step... another stage i'm going to face...3 days from now, im going to start my PGIship...i know, i'm already familiar with the environment as well as the people i'm going to work with...i know, i'm not the only one who's feels, a little bit nervous..

ahay!

times of refreshing

2007-04-23T00:17:00.000+10:00

sunset...beach...a peaceful place...i guess it was a perfect place for clearing up my mind after toxic life inside the hospital, though i'm already used to it...

well, i guess it must be the place, that had made me silent and think about my future...you were right doc! it's a good place for pondering...everything were so calm, as if time runs so slow, that i must not be in a hurry...that i'll take one step at a time...

seeing the sunset on the beach always made me sad, for some reasons and i dont have to elaborate on it... but this time, it was not... it was a time to refresh, recollect, and renew my mind and heart...no time for teary eyes and heavy heart, i guess it was already swallowed by the waves...hahaha

graduation

2007-04-16T17:00:00.000+10:00

Graduation day was finally over…I know this is not the end but merely the beginning of the fulfillment of my dreams…

Years spent on the 4 corners of MARTS were finally over ... time really fly so fast, that we are now about to face the real world of medicine, though we were already exposed to it for almost a year during our clerkship…

As I was walking in the aisle, I can’t help myself but to think back on the days or years were everything was so far of reach…I admit, I don’t belong to the upper class…I am just an average student…hmm with autistic personality .. Haha …all I have was a very supportive family, ambitious dream, friends, and God.

At first I really don’t know where I’m heading for… at first I thought I was called to become a missionary (my close friends knew it), but one of my friends told me, isn’t it the most perfect way of touching the lives of the people…so that was it…

Medicine was not that easy…I know all of us had our ups and downs; we’ve created our own defenses just to survive, built new friendship that had somehow made us a better person; underwent trials that have made us strong; experienced circumstances that have somehow test our personalities and had somehow made us think to give up; there maybe broken relationships, sacrifices… But I know, it was worth the race…

I’m so blessed and feel lucky for choosing this arena…I thank God for letting all these things happen into my life…without Him I am nothing!

To my family especially to my parents:

I have gone through so many different stages, changing ideas and goals, while searching for the right kind of life for me..

You were always ready to help me at all times. It must have seemed like I would never follow one straight path…

Now that I know what I’m doing and where I am heading, I can only show you my extreme appreciation for your support and love by being true to all the ideals and values that you have taught me…I WILL LOVE AND APPRECIATE YOU FOREVER..

To my friends:

I thank you for being there all the time… from my lowliest and to the happiest point of my life, you’re always there… I’m so thankful for accepting me without conditions…the friendship you had offered is precious treasure I can never exchange for something…whatever we have shared, it may be bad experiences or good ones, all those times were worth to be cherished, I have no regrets or whatsoever for knowing you all…congratulations guys! We still had a long, long way to go…so many trials that will test the strength of our friendship, but I believe what we have is enough to surpass it…God bless us all!

To our mentors:

Thank you for imparting the knowledge; for believing in us though sometimes we don’t give our best; for pushing us beyond our limits…thank you…

2007-04-13T00:21:00.000+10:00

JUST FOR TODAY

2007-04-11T22:50:00.000+10:00

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be".

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires, I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways:
I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count.
I will do a least two things I don't want to do--just for exercise.
I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

my visualDNA

2007-04-09T01:27:00.000+10:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

C-L-E-R-K-S-H-I-P

2007-04-08T00:44:00.000+10:00

Clerkship had already passed, all I can say is that it was worth the time and tears... With my 1 year experience inside the hospital, I feel that 5 years have added up to my age... What I mean is that, it had made me mature…

April 1…marked the changed of my life. Whew! I was really scared and somehow confused. Confused? Yep! A little bit confused… I don’t know why at this point of my life I questioned myself if I was really unto this field of endeavor…but something is pushing me to go on…

First 2 weeks in IM rotation was full of adjustment and crying times…it was a test of my whole being…but as days went by, when adjustment period was over, everything runs smoothly, though I have collected piles of extension…but it was on this rotation that have awaken me to be more responsible to every actions I make…

With the bulk of patients they have been receiving every day, I really salute to the residents on how they have managed the patients...Just imagine, when the clock strikes at 5:00pm only 2 medical residents on duty will be left inside the hospital…one will be manning the E.R, the other is in-charge of the ward not only the ward but also the ICU, and the referrals from other department…wheeew!!! Where do they get their energy!!!

Here comes Community rotation…a test of being independent…it was on this rotation, that I have learned to be independent…it may be a city away from where I reside, but I have come to taste a life living away from my family... it’s not just about living away from home that have made me more responsible with my actions…it was the responsibility given to me/us to be a doctor to the barrios…it was fun yet I have to be more careful with my actions and most especially in giving medications…community rotation was full of adventure, fun, and life…but one thing I can say, being a doctor? We can never run away from responsibilities…

Surgery…back to hospital life! After 2 months break…here we go again! A test of my dexterity…I admit I really found a hard time handling instruments using my left hand…but I enjoyed suturing…a 2-month rotation in surgery had enabled me to enjoy the life of being a surgeon, the life inside the O.R...Being a surgeon was not that easy…just imagine, the life of the patient depends on your hands…just one wrong move during the operation, then the life of the patient is a disaster…

Pediatrics…a mini IM, as the past rotators may call it…yep! Quite the same…but what made it so different is that you can never extract history from children, we’re lucky if they they’ll answer our questions…that’s why the participation of the parents is very helpful. What made the pediatrics rotation interesting is that they are not that complicated compared to adults…?

Minors….quite similar to surgery, but they are now more focused on their areas of specialty…I admit, this was less toxic compared to my other rotations but cases were so interesting…it was only in this rotation were I had stayed in the O.R for about 5 hours... I admit, I don’t like staying at the O.R for too long… for me 2 hours is enough…I don’t know, maybe it’s because I easily got asleep during the procedures…but don’t get me wrong! I really had a great time…

OB rotation… tests for my adrenalin…a from duty status is a from duty status…laya gd c rhea!!! Well, OB-Gyne rotation had made me stronger…after a bad experience…I learned my lesson and that is to be more careful… I really found a hard time gaining my confidence…again the feeling of quitting sunk in again…but someone made me realized, things that are happening to me are just instruments…in order for me to be more careful and responsible…I was so grateful to the residents for helping me to conquer my fears….” A new baby born signifies how beautiful life is, despite the difficulties, that life must be cherished and enjoyed…”

All I can say, clerkship is fun and worth to be remembered!

why become a doctor?

2007-03-28T00:06:00.000+10:00

I guess it had to do with joining as a human being a unique profession which is given by society tremendous challenges, responsibilities and permissions to other humans and which is given to noone else. We can hold the comfort but also the life of others in our own hands.
There is the good feeling from doing good to someone but also the wonder and excitement (even to the point of raising gooseflesh) of making emotional and spiritual contact with your patient.

2007-03-21T17:48:00.000+10:00

"have'nt heard anything from you, how's life now?" this was his text message last night...i dont know, may be it was just a missent message....what's wrong for not updating him with my life now? as if things really matters to him...
being in an autistic mode for some time had realy made me realize one thing in life...that i should never depend my happiness to someone...happiness is just within...happiness is something that is not so hard find...if we're only contented with our life....

2007-03-18T17:52:00.000+10:00

2 weeks rotation in the department of medicine had just ended...all i can say is that, it was fun and worth of my time...though it was a short period of rotation, i have realized something...

....that there are so many things i have to read on...(hehehe)
....practice my intubation...(hahaha...failed my 4 intubations)
....that i should learn to stand on my own...
....that whatever i do, i must enjoy and give my best....
....everyday is another day to face...another experiences in life...
....there's life inside and outside hospital if you'll just enjoy everything...
....i should be responsible for my actions...
....be ready... always...

with just a short time, i have come to taste my life again...my life 11 months ago...but no crying moments this time...hahaha...i have no regrets for choosing IM as my electives...it was WORTH enjoying...

thanks a lot docs!!!

NIGHTMARE!!!

2007-02-23T00:48:00.000+10:00

just 1 bottle of beer...then another 1...wooohhh...until everyone was a little bit drunk...well, for some just for the sake of enjoyment but for me it was some kind of escaping from what i've been thinking for the past weeks...

there's one thing that always comes into my mind...what if it will happen again? i was sitting on our sofa, having a nap, i was from duty then when my mom told me about her decision of being separated...that was the most painful moment i ever had...everything suddenly comes rushing into my mind...am i prepared of this life? of course not! coz i never imagined living a life...a broken one! after hearing what she said to us, i cant help myself, i just stood up and went inside the room and cry (i really hate crying in front of them and i'm not used to it)...NIGHTMARE!!!
it was really hard to act normally as if nothing had happened especially when you have no one to tell your heartaches...i told myself that everything will be fine...i know it will...but it was really hard! my body was so drained physically because of duty plus emotionally i was really drained... all i can do is just pray and pray, begging Him to give me strength...I should be strong for the sake of my family....
my father didnt went home for about 3 weeks...i havent seen him that long, last year...very frustrating and depressing christmas....just another escape from reality, i was spending christmas at the hospital, status? on duty...
for that past days, life was so dragging! at last i found him....i was never used of confronting or having some heart to heart talks, but i have no choice..i should have to talk to my dad...my heart was so full of anger then, but i cant let it show...he's my dad anyway...
if there was one gift i had received from God...it was the day when my father went home...though it really takes time for healing, i hope and i pray that the time will come that i'll forget what had happened...i really thank God for bringing my family back!

i dont know why it keeps entering into my mind...TRAUMA???

2007-02-18T00:08:00.000+10:00

my friends were already talking about graduation day and being a PGI...me? quite nervous...i dont know why? maybe because it's another milestone to pass...just hearing there experiences makes me smile and looked back to what i have gone through also...10 months of internship had already passed and it's still fresh on my mind that the first 2 weeks of my first rotation in medicine that i kept on crying and telling my parents that i want to quit med school...how stupid i was at that moment thinking about those silly things....just looking back at it makes me smile and ask myself, what if i really quitted? then there's this only one answer i had...if i did, then i wouldnt be enjoying my life, the way i am enjoying right now...
internship is pretty much tiring but if you just enjoy it, it becomes fun and full of learnings...this stage have really made me mature and somehow confident of myself....
if you'll ask me if i'm enjoying my life right now, despite hardworks...of course i am! i will never get tired of thanking those persons who had helped me surpass those tough times...i'm so glad that i have met them, and because of them part of myself was uncovered and had made me realized that i can do things that before i never thought i could do it....thanks a lot...

2007-02-17T23:22:00.000+10:00

i guess there's just a point in my life

where i just have to accept that

not everything i wished or hoped for

will come true.

a time when i just hae to gather up

the courage to let go

and just entrust everything to God,

knowing He wont allow me to be in pain

for the sake of hurtin' but for the sake of learning.

one day i will truly understand that he knows me more than i know myself

that even when i feel alone and misuderstood,

and even sometimes unloved and used,

there is still someone who knows all my flaws

yet loves me unconditionally like no human can...

from duty!!!

2007-02-08T22:15:00.000+10:00

from duty status....i like the feeling being on this status. the good thing on a from duty status is that you can freely sleep now...but you know what i hated most? it's on this status that i really found a hard time sleeping...hahaha...blame it to the adrenaline....it takes a span of time in order for me to be half asleep...

so what's the solution? of course just an earphone and listen to a mellow music then by and by i'm already on GCS 3....

2007-02-06T04:11:00.000+10:00

life is indeed full of contradictions.

sometimes it's crazy to be sane, you need to fall to fly, people suffer because you care. you have to unlearn to tknow the lessons, you have to give up because you're strong, you have to be wrong to make things right.
nonetheles, life's complexities are also life's source of beuty. we should cry to laugh again, and get hurt to love again...

2007-02-06T02:32:00.000+10:00

you made me sick!!!! i should not supposed to feel this way... i told mysef to move on, but y cant i? maybe it was the word "forever" that u have told me before...duh!!!

how stupid i am to cling to what you have told me before... "forever" may just be a split of a second to you...

what's with your smile, that every time i see it, i tell myself, wish i can have you back...(but i know it wont happen!)

it's not that i was wrong upon deciding...maybe it's just hard to let go of someone, who had really changed and touched your life...

2007-02-03T23:44:00.000+10:00

as the sun sets down, i ask myself, did i made a right choice? or is this the kind of life i'm looking for? as i spent my day to day life in the hospital, i slowly understand..that everything and everyone must be tested on fire so that they will realized there worth in life...
i admit, there are still times that i want to quit, that i do still shed tears, that i still doubt with my decision in entering the arena of medicine...but as hospital life continues, as i encounter different faces, different individuals, i realized...this is the kind of life i'm looking for...
being a doctor is not just a profession...its more than that... as an intern i learned that even just a little time spent to an old patient, or just a short conversation with them, it really means a lot to them. someone told me, "treat every patient you see as a person and with respect. it's more gratifying that they'll remember you for goodness, than receiving a salary." being a doctor means you have the power to touch someones life... it may be great or small..
so as the day closes, i told myself..."this is the life i'm looking for...i have no regrets or whatsoever for choosing this kind of life...i may have lost something. but i know everything's worth it...to those who have been with me in my trying times, i thank you guys....to those who have shared words of wisdom during my weakest point, i will always be thankful to you...

2007-02-03T22:01:00.000+10:00

times we've spent together, kept on rushing into my mind..and i had this question hanging on my mind, why those happy moments we had and dreams we had shared was just ruined? Was it my fault that i chose medicine over you? your'e so selfish then...i cant let you stay, because you have your plans too, that's why i let you go..

But dont get me wrong! i had no regrets on choosing medicine, in fact, i had so many realizations in life, it made me more mature, and most of all it had opened my mind to the reality that everything in this world is not permanent, that i should not depend my life to anybody...

letting you go was never that easy...you 're the only one that i have shared my dreams and ambitions..remember the time when i graduated m college? you asked me if im still going to pursue my dream on becoming a doctor, i really had a hard time thingking about it..now, these questions keep haunting my mind... what if i never chose medicine? could things be the same for both of us?

one of the residents told me and i think she's right...there's only one thing i should have to do in order to move on...FORGIVE MYSELF..forgive myself not because i chose my ambition over you, i should have to forgive myself because somehow in the course of our relationship, there were times that i haven't done my part...

now things had already changed! you have moved on, you had your life now, which for sure i was never included..hahaha...and i have mine too...i hope time will come....that i can face you with confidence and say that im over you...that i have build my world without you...

2006-08-03T20:08:00.000+10:00

2006-02-12T01:08:00.000+10:00

2006-02-11T11:34:00.000+10:00

2006-02-11T11:05:00.000+10:00

Wise men say that time Is the physician of a broken heart

But the scars that are left behind

Are there forever

For me to feel, again and again
As I travel this lonely road of life

I say prayers of hope, begging my God

Not to let the scars Grow so tough and callous

That I can no longer feel

2006-02-03T16:38:00.000+10:00

2005-11-26T14:14:00.000+10:00

2005-11-23T14:27:00.000+10:00

The suffering feeds on my innocence, it makes me burn
They told me not to love you, but I guess I'll never learn
The first day I saw you it brought tears to my eyes.
I'm living in hell but i have no choice
But i know that somewhere someone hears my voice
I thought i knew it all, i thought i had it all but i feel it slipping away
How could it end this way
In this dream that's haunting me
My nightmare has become my reality
Like an angel fallen through the skies
I know that somewhere someone sees my cries
Where's the helping hand is this my final stand
The hole in my heart cause the hole in my head
Now they left me for dead
I'm down for the final count
My heart now blackened its bleeding tears
Can't they see my suffering
Or just can't see it from this far
Don't have much to live for...

2005-11-09T18:37:00.000+10:00

"i love you, outside lines, over the top, beyond extremes.

when you think i'm bound to stop loving you,

i have only just begun to love you.

i love you beyond 100% and i dont hold anything back..."

a lot of times i have experienced the feeling of loneliness and emptiness, but HIS promise made me feel so happy...that even if the world would turn away from me, i still have someone who would never turn HIS back...who would hide me in the cleft of HIS wings...

i have doubted HIS plans for me so I kept on searching for what i thought was meant for me...but each day I live HE slowly unveils what HE had prepared...my heart was made to answer HIS calling...i was called to serve HIM, it may be in some other ways...i have found peace in responding to HIS deep calling...i may not have responded to the highest calling....a healer souls... but i responded to the deep calling...a healer of my fellowmen...

2005-11-08T14:31:00.000+10:00

A New Start

A new beginning a new start

Things have changed its time to forget

All the wrongs have fallen into the past

Its time to move on at long last

Bridges have fallen bridges have been built

Things have been lost, things have been gained

That was lost I hope can be found

A new dawn is breaking, a new era is beckoning

A new start, a new life.

2005-11-08T13:56:00.000+10:00

If ever there's a moment

When you need a friend to listen,

If ever someone can reach out

To dry the tears that glisten,

I'll be there...

2005-11-08T13:23:00.000+10:00

As i look back on this road i've traveled....

i've seen so many times, God carry me through....

And if there's one thing that i've learned in my life,

God is true to His promise!!!