NIGHTMARE!!!

just 1 bottle of beer...then another 1...wooohhh...until everyone was a little bit drunk...well, for some just for the sake of enjoyment but for me it was some kind of escaping from what i've been thinking for the past weeks...

there's one thing that always comes into my mind...what if it will happen again? i was sitting on our sofa, having a nap, i was from duty then when my mom told me about her decision of being separated...that was the most painful moment i ever had...everything suddenly comes rushing into my mind...am i prepared of this life? of course not! coz i never imagined living a life...a broken one! after hearing what she said to us, i cant help myself, i just stood up and went inside the room and cry (i really hate crying in front of them and i'm not used to it)...NIGHTMARE!!!
it was really hard to act normally as if nothing had happened especially when you have no one to tell your heartaches...i told myself that everything will be fine...i know it will...but it was really hard! my body was so drained physically because of duty plus emotionally i was really drained... all i can do is just pray and pray, begging Him to give me strength...I should be strong for the sake of my family....
my father didnt went home for about 3 weeks...i havent seen him that long, last year...very frustrating and depressing christmas....just another escape from reality, i was spending christmas at the hospital, status? on duty...
for that past days, life was so dragging! at last i found him....i was never used of confronting or having some heart to heart talks, but i have no choice..i should have to talk to my dad...my heart was so full of anger then, but i cant let it show...he's my dad anyway...
if there was one gift i had received from God...it was the day when my father went home...though it really takes time for healing, i hope and i pray that the time will come that i'll forget what had happened...i really thank God for bringing my family back!

i dont know why it keeps entering into my mind...TRAUMA???

my friends were already talking about graduation day and being a PGI...me? quite nervous...i dont know why? maybe because it's another milestone to pass...just hearing there experiences makes me smile and looked back to what i have gone through also...10 months of internship had already passed and it's still fresh on my mind that the first 2 weeks of my first rotation in medicine that i kept on crying and telling my parents that i want to quit med school...how stupid i was at that moment thinking about those silly things....just looking back at it makes me smile and ask myself, what if i really quitted? then there's this only one answer i had...if i did, then i wouldnt be enjoying my life, the way i am enjoying right now...
internship is pretty much tiring but if you just enjoy it, it becomes fun and full of learnings...this stage have really made me mature and somehow confident of myself....
if you'll ask me if i'm enjoying my life right now, despite hardworks...of course i am! i will never get tired of thanking those persons who had helped me surpass those tough times...i'm so glad that i have met them, and because of them part of myself was uncovered and had made me realized that i can do things that before i never thought i could do it....thanks a lot...

i guess there's just a point in my life

where i just have to accept that

not everything i wished or hoped for

will come true.

a time when i just hae to gather up

the courage to let go

and just entrust everything to God,

knowing He wont allow me to be in pain

for the sake of hurtin' but for the sake of learning.

one day i will truly understand that he knows me more than i know myself

that even when i feel alone and misuderstood,

and even sometimes unloved and used,

there is still someone who knows all my flaws

yet loves me unconditionally like no human can...

from duty!!!

from duty status....i like the feeling being on this status. the good thing on a from duty status is that you can freely sleep now...but you know what i hated most? it's on this status that i really found a hard time sleeping...hahaha...blame it to the adrenaline....it takes a span of time in order for me to be half asleep...

so what's the solution? of course just an earphone and listen to a mellow music then by and by i'm already on GCS 3....

life is indeed full of contradictions.

sometimes it's crazy to be sane, you need to fall to fly, people suffer because you care. you have to unlearn to tknow the lessons, you have to give up because you're strong, you have to be wrong to make things right.
nonetheles, life's complexities are also life's source of beuty. we should cry to laugh again, and get hurt to love again...

you made me sick!!!! i should not supposed to feel this way... i told mysef to move on, but y cant i? maybe it was the word "forever" that u have told me before...duh!!!

how stupid i am to cling to what you have told me before... "forever" may just be a split of a second to you...

what's with your smile, that every time i see it, i tell myself, wish i can have you back...(but i know it wont happen!)

it's not that i was wrong upon deciding...maybe it's just hard to let go of someone, who had really changed and touched your life...

as the sun sets down, i ask myself, did i made a right choice? or is this the kind of life i'm looking for? as i spent my day to day life in the hospital, i slowly understand..that everything and everyone must be tested on fire so that they will realized there worth in life...
i admit, there are still times that i want to quit, that i do still shed tears, that i still doubt with my decision in entering the arena of medicine...but as hospital life continues, as i encounter different faces, different individuals, i realized...this is the kind of life i'm looking for...
being a doctor is not just a profession...its more than that... as an intern i learned that even just a little time spent to an old patient, or just a short conversation with them, it really means a lot to them. someone told me, "treat every patient you see as a person and with respect. it's more gratifying that they'll remember you for goodness, than receiving a salary." being a doctor means you have the power to touch someones life... it may be great or small..
so as the day closes, i told myself..."this is the life i'm looking for...i have no regrets or whatsoever for choosing this kind of life...i may have lost something. but i know everything's worth it...to those who have been with me in my trying times, i thank you guys....to those who have shared words of wisdom during my weakest point, i will always be thankful to you...

times we've spent together, kept on rushing into my mind..and i had this question hanging on my mind, why those happy moments we had and dreams we had shared was just ruined? Was it my fault that i chose medicine over you? your'e so selfish then...i cant let you stay, because you have your plans too, that's why i let you go..

But dont get me wrong! i had no regrets on choosing medicine, in fact, i had so many realizations in life, it made me more mature, and most of all it had opened my mind to the reality that everything in this world is not permanent, that i should not depend my life to anybody...

letting you go was never that easy...you 're the only one that i have shared my dreams and ambitions..remember the time when i graduated m college? you asked me if im still going to pursue my dream on becoming a doctor, i really had a hard time thingking about it..now, these questions keep haunting my mind... what if i never chose medicine? could things be the same for both of us?

one of the residents told me and i think she's right...there's only one thing i should have to do in order to move on...FORGIVE MYSELF..forgive myself not because i chose my ambition over you, i should have to forgive myself because somehow in the course of our relationship, there were times that i haven't done my part...

now things had already changed! you have moved on, you had your life now, which for sure i was never included..hahaha...and i have mine too...i hope time will come....that i can face you with confidence and say that im over you...that i have build my world without you...